There are rap songs, and there are rap songs that white people love. Here are 10 tracks that you will probably hear weekly at any given club, much to the delight of punters named Brandon & Stephanie (and for the most part, our team too).
God bless white people:
NOTORIOUS B.I.G. – JUICY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JZom_gVfuw
This song is so great because it outlines hardships that most people (including me) have no idea about, but will then drop key words like ‘Super Nintento, Sega Genesis’ which sets off alarm bells – because who doesn’t love Nintendo? White people love Nintendo and also nostalgia. This track has lots of nostalgic retro swag, especially that dreamy R&B hook which makes everyone want to wear a throwback NBA jersey and say “Wow, those were the days”, despite not having been born yet.
LIL JON & THE EASTSIDE BOYZ – GET LOW
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYH7_GzP4Tg
The King of Crunk definitely messed up a lot of people with this track. ‘Get Low’ is the epitome of obnoxious hip-hop that only sounds good when it’s louder than 130 decibels and you’re surrounded by at least seven intoxicated strangers. I’m assuming a lot of girls who look like Miley Cyrus love to ‘twerk’ and ‘get low’ (duh) to this track, and when Lil Jon hits Marquee later this year for a DJ set, prepare to be consumed in an apocalyptic vortex of glowsticks and fake snapbacks.
KANYE WEST & JAY Z – N*I**AS IN PARIS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gG_dA32oH44
This song. Especially the part where everybody yells out the sample from ‘Blades of Glory’ and then the song goes into some distorted semi-dubstep drop. White people also love dubstep. Katy Perry covered this song and changed the lyrics to ‘Ninjas In Paris’. I’m not sure if that’s okay, because now you have lots of Oriental black belt motherfuckers like me on your back. Watch out, Katy!
VANILLA ICE – ICE ICE BABY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rog8ou-ZepE
Here’s a cool story – One time I actually met Vanilla Ice in a Las Vegas casino back in 2011. He is a nice person. I was hammered and somehow made everybody on my blackjack table lose. Sorry bros, but if you didn’t wanna lose money you probably shouldn’t have sat on a table with a Chinese gambling addict aka Me. Anyway, this is the ironic hip-hop song that white people will hear in the club and say “Oh my God, I love this song!” Are they kidding, or are they serious? I don’t know, and I don’t even think they know. It’s kind of like that time I bought a Mariah Carey shirt, except that I was 100% serious and nobody was laughing.
CALI SWAG DISTRICT – TEACH ME HOW TO DOUGIE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzx_78KExwQ
Despite Marlon Wayans comments about Delta Goodrem being ‘unrhythmic’ and unable to dance, white people can definitely dance and they have shown it off many a time to the soundtrack of Cali Swag District (worst rap group name ever). Kate Upton had a viral video where taught the ‘Dougie’ and it deserves 17 replays per day. Extra white people points if the club DJ mashes this with Kanye West’s ‘Power’.
112 – DANCE WITH ME
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_L47fnApJdk
Speaking of Kate Upton, white people are definitely sexy, and they definitely know it. Clap your hands, everyone.
AZEALIA BANKS – 212
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3Jv9fNPjgk
From 112 to ‘212’. I’m not sure why we’re still talking about Azealia Banks. She still hasn’t released an album, and still hasn’t dismounted the surfbort she’s using to quietly ride the wave of ‘212’. This is like the ‘EDM’ fan’s staple rap track, which makes it a favourite for people who dress like LMFAO backup dancers. If you’re a DJ at a festival and you suck, throw this on and just watch the crowd yell “I guess that c*** getting eaten”. Very edgy lyrics, someone find me a novelty sized ‘Parental Advisory’ sticker to plaster on Azealia Banks’ forehead. The beat goes hard though.
WILL SMITH – FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBe0VCso0qs
The Fresh Prince theme is undoubtedly the whitest song in the whole world. Remember how I said that white people love nostalgia? Well, this song is for white people who wear overalls and multicoloured caps with propellers on the top. There is a high probability that they also say “y’all” and “swag”. This song is so white that it probably gets played at Prince Harry’s birthday parties.
COOLIO – GANGSTA’S PARADISE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpGbzYlnz7c
This song starts off with a quote from the Bible and doesn’t even contain any swear words, which obviously means that it is appropriate listening for all humans. Not everybody can claim that they’ve lounged in a ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’, (except for that one time they stopped for petrol at Parramatta), but everybody can claim that they’ve sung this hook while thoroughly intoxicated at some shithouse club with stained carpet.
HOUSE OF PAIN – JUMP AROUND
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZaz7OqyTHQ
I’m sure that there is burgeoning rap scene in Ireland that presents very strong views on Protestants and Gaelic football, but no Irish yahoos have reached the same level of success as House of Pain. Armed with shamrock iconography and a healthy Cypress Hill affiliation, these dudes took over the globe with ‘Jump Around’, with its mosh pit-inducing hook allowing people to get rowdier than a bourbon-fuelled Kid Rock concert in Alabama.
