FlexMami’s Life Advice: New Year’s Resolutions? You’re Doing It Wrong
Some thoughts heading into 2017.
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Hypothetically, somewhere between stuffing your face with holiday grub, shedding the anxiety of the societal expectations of a New Year’s Eve kiss and experiencing a minor loss in time perception during January – you’ve likely dabbled in the idea of partaking in New Year’s Resolutions.

Or debunked the idea of them completely, right?

Is it because it’s a huge perceived waste of time? I mean, surely if you had made the realisation that you needed to commit to or resolve something then wouldn’t it be nonsensical to wait until January 1? Can we really hold so much weight to the traditional Gregorian calendar system, trusting the first month of our year to be the basis of change for the rest of the months to follow?

The short answer is yes and no. One could argue if the idea of setting out resolutions in January is a fool’s game, but if you’ve been sleeping on yourself for the last 365 days then Simon says you’re in the market for a re-up. If you’ve been blessed with the luxury of easing in to 2017, then this consider this a gift from the Level Up Lords to do the most.

“But FlexMami, I’m grown and while I respect you I’m not about to conform to the societal swing toward NYRs.”

To that I say, do you, boo. It’s 2017 and you belong to the world. However, I have a teething feeling that the stigmas of NYR’s cloud the label and not the premise. It’s not unusual to take stock of your life at the end of the year, if only to measure successes and failures or purely to recalibrate.

As your boy Albert Einstein said, “[The definition of] insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So instead of spreading an anti-NYR message, or alternatively the classic pro-NYR ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ trope, I’ve been inspired to share some crunchy nuggets of truth.

This concept of revisiting new and improved NYR’s was birthed right after watching three back-to-back apocalypse-skewed episodes of Supernatural while updating my iPhone meme folder. I thought to myself “damn, seven deadly sins seem lit and like a great foundation for life right now”, so in turn I’ve created a highly fallible (we’re only human) list of ways to switch up your life this year. Proceed with caution and recognise good banter when it presents itself.

Lust

The most primal of the bunch, encouraging you to turn your back on subtlety and welcome candour with open arms. In 2016, Yo Gotti told us that “it goes down in the DM”, and fortunately for you obsessive scrollers the trend remains true in 2017.

Single folk, swipe right with fervour, double tap with urgency and smack that ‘like’ button. Shoot your shot with ease. What do you have to lose? Coupled folk, show your Day One that the love runs deep in whichever way you know best.

Gluttony

It’s snack time, my dude. Portion control? Forget about it. Single serving sizes? Not today. Every day is a 2 for 1 and you’ve got room for seconds and thirds. Worry not about the health ramifications and focus solely on the reward of eating whatever you want because you’re smart enough to handle the fitness aspect to counteract your (mis) behaviour.

Sloth

same shit new year💩

A photo posted by 👽#LILMAYO👽 (@lilmayo) on

Have you slept in until 3pm for the fourth weekend in a row? Get it how you live, partner. People pay for this kind of lifestyle so don’t take it for granted. While you may feel like a walking pile of trash for a few hours after you wake up, that soon dissipates leaving you feeling like an empty shell of yourself. Think of that shell as more of a clam and the real you are the pearl on the inside – timeless, classic and priceless.

Greed

we shopping good like a bumble bee

A photo posted by Young Thug (@youngthug) on

A failsafe lifestyle motto to guarantee your happiness (albeit fleeting) is “excess is best”. Remember it, throw it in your iPhone notes and if that doesn’t work, get it tattooed on your décolletage. If your heart says buy 1 grab 2. If your mind says “save some for later”, don’t. If your wallet says, “You can’t afford it”, pop it on Afterpay and deal with it when you’ve allocated some real time and coins to the issue.

Wrath

A photo posted by Savage Mode (@21savage) on

While I really can’t condone a full scale beat down, because PLUR, I do recommend channelling your anger into a more creative outlet. Be a savage with your bars. If you’re not the rapping type, wile out with your Instagram captions or start writing real stroppy haiku’s – all seem like really effective options.

Envy

A photo posted by champagnepapi (@champagnepapi) on

There’s no shame-free way to covet what your neighbour has, but if it encourages you to level up and get yours – then go and be great! Scheme, plot, scam, lay your foundations, plant your seeds and harvest them come springtime. It’s looking like a fruitful crop.

Pride

On @jimmyfallon tonight 🔴

A photo posted by Solange (@saintrecords) on

Considered the most serious of them all, and rightly so because what’s scarier than a person who loves themselves sick? If there was ever a time to toot your own horn to the extreme, 2017 is the year. Be your own lifestyle goal and crush, because you do you so well.

If after all of this, you still haven’t started to reap the benefits of your lifestyle change, try again. Mercury is no longer retrograde.

January 11, 2017
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