So we compiled this list of Christmas Do’s and Don’ts to tell you to let your hair down, loosen the belt, take off your bra and get comfortable this holiday.
Yep, fuck the so-called wisdom of social media’s #fitsperation and #thinspiration threads. Besides the fact the people purporting said wisdom don’t have so much as an online degree in health and or fitness, most of us spend 50 weeks of the year hitting the gym, the treadmill and stomaching the kale smoothies we’ve convinced ourselves we enjoy. We deserve a break. Ever heard that saying that you lie so much you believe yourself? Well, put 80 per cent cacao raw chocolate, kombucha and bliss balls into that category. Sure, they taste good by comparison to not eating sweets at all but compared to Ben & Jerry’s they all suck a dick. It’s Christmas. There are no rules. Let fucking loose.
The original bliss ball. They’re a rite of passage for any living, breathing human come Christmas time. This time of year, they’re effectively handed out like condoms at an STD clinic. And it’d be plain rude – and detrimental to your physical and mental health – not to accept them. Here’s a fun game – eat one for every time you’ve reluctantly stepped into a gym or Pilates class this year.
Fuck that. You spend two thirds of your year in those dingy sweat holes. You don’t go to the office during Christmas so why would you go to the gym? Plus, you’re probably on vacation somewhere. And no backwater gym in some small town industrial estate deserves $20 of your hard-earned just to jockey for the busted, 15-year-old shoulder press machine.
It’s really the only time of the year when it’s acceptable to have a beer or ice cold class of vino within an hour of breakfast. So take advantage of it. You’ll find your relatives a lot more bearable. And you’ll be marginally more popular amongst the small town locals because you’ll be able to laugh at yourself when you realize that wearing an all-white Ksubi outfit in Coffs Harbour is far from considered fashionable.
Surf, swim, hike and ride. But not all in one day, man. Take it easy. Christmas is about sitting. It used to be about “chilling” but not sure your parents want to see you doing that nowadays… Have an afternoon nap. Lie around on the balcony, fall asleep to the cricket on the couch. It’s your time. You deserve it.
Let’s be honest, it’s only going to be selective images from your friends that will make you jealous and make you take your vacation for granted. It’s not worth the heartache. Plus, if you’ve got time to fabricate the perfect summer pic of yourself doing a tandem head-stand on an SUP while traversing crystal blue rapids and sipping from a young coconut – and edit it with an acoustic version of Hotline Bling – you’re not having that good of a time. You’re lonely. And trying to compensate for something. It’s two weeks out of the year. You can do it.
Fuck it. Turn the thing off all together. It can be a punish spending time with your family but you’d be nowhere without them. And hell, you only see them for what, 2% of the year? The least you can do is put the phone away and actually engage. You’ll not only feel less burdened and a sense of freedom by constantly updating your emails and FB feed, but your family will get to see you at your best and reciprocate. Plus, Dad could be infected with AIDS any day now and you’ll curse yourself for not having spent more time with him.
It’d be un-Australian not to. And complete with coconut, they’re practically healthy according to health and nutrition expert Belle Gibson…
But seriously, treat yo’ self.
You need mangoes to make Christmas complete. But not those shitty calypso ones or the ones with red skin that never seem to ripen. You want the big, North Queensland/Darwin mangoes that are yellow on the outside, orange on the in and oh so delectable. You know the ones – they’re all stringy and get caught in your teeth. Nature’s dental floss. More fun yet, peel half the skin off first and eat ‘em like an apple.
Sure, no one enjoys a crumbed sausage, a salty back or a sand-filled sausage wallet. But the chafing and discomfort is worth it for that feeling of hot wind on your back when you emerge from the cool water. Plus, if you’re smashing those lamingtons and Rochers, the cold water will tighten your rig up when the gear comes off.