Is the track a masterpiece or utter filth?

Are you a fan of wet-ass pussy? If so, you’re not alone. Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s track has debuted at #1 on the Billboard singles chart in the US and #2 on the ARIA singles chart in Aus, and racked up well over 100 million global streams. That’s right, ‘Wet-Ass Pussy’ is streaming from every corner and crevice of this earth whether you like it or not.

Lines like “I do a kegel while it’s inside, Spit in my mouth, look in my eyes / This pussy is wet, come take a dive,” have caused a stir with conservative pundits and politicians alike, many of whom have condemned the track. This includes Ben Shapiro whose breakdown of the track feels like a squeamish youth group leader trying to preach about the demons of pre-marital sex (see below).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsm4poTWjMs

I’ll admit, when I first heard the track I cringed a little and found my thoughts echoing the tweets of those politicians – is this the kind of shit we want our children listening to? Cardi, (and I’m sure everyone working in marketing at Atlantic Records) was aware that the song would court a lot of controversy -it’s something that comes with the territory of being a world-famous rap provocateur. “I think the song is nasty, but I was thinking [about all the controversy], wow, like, I don’t know,” Cardi B said to CNN. “I’m just so used to it.”

ladies please contain your excitement pic.twitter.com/e8Lr5Np8yD

— jordan (@JordanUhl) August 10, 2020

I was watching the clip with my girlfriend and she shrugged with indifference, reminding me of some of the shit that I used to listen to when I was an impressionable teenager. I couldn’t really argue with the double-standard. Some of the stuff that I listened to was way cruder (or at least equally as crude as) ‘WAP’ and I am yet to murder anyone/treat people in the fashion that is described in some of the tracks below.

Maybe all the pearl-clutching conservatives oughta just speak to their kids (who should technically only be watching/listening to the age-censored version of ‘WAP’) and let them know the difference between musical hyperbole and real life. Either way, relax. It’s just a song about getting wet, and it seems like Shapiro, who made the ridiculous comment below, has a tenuous grasp on wetness/life underwater:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9FGRkqUdf8

Anywho, as promised, here are some tracks that the rest of the people in the LWA office and I used to bop to that are pretty fucking explicit:

Dr. Dre – ‘Fuck You Ft. Devin The Dude, Snoop Dogg’

If you grew up in the naughties, chances are you or someone you know will have the lyrics to the entirety of 2001 down pat. ‘Fuck You’, which starts out with a desperate phone call from one of Dre’s conquests, has a couple of lines in there that are straight up gross like, “If I’m going too far, I’ll take it out and wipe it off and put it back up and keep going.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQVTyBPJbN4

Third Eye Blind – ‘Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life’

Don’t be fooled by the poppy melody and a seemingly harmless chinstrap beard, this track essentially chronicles and celebrates the life of a couple of junkies getting high on crystal meth and then coming down and then getting high again and then coming down. Can’t believe I listened to this as a kid and didn’t become a drug addict or (worse) grow a questionable beard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beINamVRGy4

Eminem – ‘Kill You’

It really feels like Slim was on a mission to create controversy with this one. Rapping about raping his mother and then referencing the reaction to it is clear evidence that he knew he’d be copping shit, and also that he couldn’t care less.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e6abXmMqz4

Bob Marley – ‘Sweat (A La La La La Long)’

If you spent most of your teenage years getting high at whatever opportunity you got, you’ll have probs done your time listening to Bob Marley. The rasta legend was always recommended by the person in your stoner circle who thought they were fighting the good fight one toke at a time, but in reality, were just destroying their parent’s Tim Tam and corn chip stockpiles. Anyway, check the non-consensual chorus of this bad boy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zy2JWLbdv1U

R Kelly – ‘Piss On You’

I can’t believe that R. Kelly got away with this kind of shit for so long. Adding the canned laughter in there too, as if it was some sort of sick joke. Disgusting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw8CxyQx4zE&t=1s

Geto Boys – ‘Gangsta Of Love’

Geto Boys was a deep dive that someone brought to a party when I was going through a rap phase as a 15-year-old (obviously the gangsta life did not choose me). I can’t remember if I didn’t realise or didn’t care how fucking gnarly the lyrics of this track are but some of it would make Eminem’s mum shit her pants: “But I sensed it in the making / Talking about she’s pregnant / From me or that Jamaican? / She said to me of course / So I drug her little ass / Like a mutherfuckin horse.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-GDzhYFZak

The Chats – ‘The Clap’

There’s something about the way Pricey “schwings” at the start of this video that is so erotic I can’t believe it wasn’t censored. Not really, I just love this song and it’s about gonorrhea. Enjoy, kids.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POM_98oi0oo

Cannibal Corpse – ‘I Cum Blood’

This song is equally as dangerous as ‘WAP’ as singer George Fisher speaks in a very cute Cookie Monster voice that is very appealing to children. Lyrics in ‘I Cum Blood’ include: “I pissed in her maggot filled asshole / Fucking the rotting / My semen is bleeding / The smell of decay / Seeps from her genital cavity / The smell was unbearable as I unburied her”.

The Darkness – ‘Growing On Me’

Maybe not as in-your-face as ‘WAP’, but this balled-up slice of pure testosterone is actually pretty seedy. Although frontman Justin Hawkins has claimed otherwise, it would appear the song is written about an STD and features the lines: “I’m being punished for all my offences” and “You’re part of me now and I’ve only got myself to blame”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMogMOjIH8M

Link Wray – ‘The Rumble’

I never listened to this song as a kid, but it was banned by Boston and New York radio stations in 1958 who thought that it might incite violence on the streets. I just put it on this list to show that the shit that we’re banning today will make us look like prudish little geeks to the humans of the future.