When I was younger, I wanted to be a gangster rapper. I recited overly aggressive Tupac lyrics in front of my bathroom mirror while shirtless, attempted unsuccessfully to architect homemade bongs from Gatorade bottles, and once even wore a bandana out in public. But as I grew older, I realized that violent urban thugs weren’t the best people to emulate – and I soon shifted my focus on becoming a romantic R&B crooner.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJzF7H2e3Tw
Enter Akon. Chosen by many rappers as the go-to man for R&B hooks throughout the 2000s, Akon’s voice was synonymous with chart hits and the moistening of women’s underwear. Akon is the sort of guy who will buy condoms at the supermarket just so he can create sexual tension with the checkout chick. Akon is the sort of guy who will harmonize a list of graphic bedroom suggestions to your girlfriend while you’re buying her a thickshake at McDonalds. Akon is the sort of guy whose songs are actually Karma Sutra instructions when they’re played backwards and in slow motion.
Akon is also one of the few people who can say ‘shawty’ in real life and not sound like a complete fuckwit. There is an unwritten commandment from the Bible which states that if you refer to a girl by ‘shawty’, you must be wearing at least seven kilograms of jewelry and/or have conrows. A scientific fact about Akon, and R&B singers in general, is that they can say anything and make it sound sensual. The Weeknd is the undisputed creator of this rule. This guy could be reading Japanese instructions on how to build a microwave and it would come out sounding like the synopsis of a critically acclaimed erotic novel.
Akon is also a very good example of said rule, as he exemplified on the explicitly titled ‘I Wanna Fuck You’. The censored version of this song is called ‘I Wanna Love You’, because loving someone and fucking someone are obviously synonymous in today’s day and age. Don’t quote me on this, but I’m 95% sure that 95% of people who have met on Tinder have since married or entered into a de facto relationship.
Anyway, this song was Akon’s first #1 on the American Billboard charts, and it’s not hard to see why. It features club-friendly production and a hook that you can recite lovingly while using your unblinking gaze to penetrate the soul of your spouse. This song also features Snoop Dogg before he decided to morph into seven other animals. However, it’s Akon who steals the show, delivering lyrical gems such as “You got a fatty, the type I like to marry”. Brilliant. When he’s not seriously considering the possibility of marrying a curvaceous stripper, Akon can also get gully, as shown by this video where he pulls a vintage WWF move on a fan. Rumour has it that Akon is actually The Big Show in disguise.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FPESUPCabY
Along with the original ‘I Wanna Fuck You’ came a host of remixes, including a ‘Walmart Remix’ which featured Tego Calderón, Don Omar and Cynthia Antigua. I don’t know who the hell any of those people are, but they all have names that make them sound like they wear khaki suits and brown tinted sunglasses. Also, I just tried to find this song on YouTube and typed in ‘I Wanna Fuck You Walmart’ which is pretty weird. But a Walmart Remix? Really? Way to suck the romance out of this song. Now everytime I hear this song, I’m going to associate it with inferior electronics and bargain deals on cushions. Way to mess me up, Akon.
