The slick F1 machines took to Albert Park for the very first time yesterday, officially launching the MElbourne Grand prix weekend and shattering ear drums and glass windows as far as the eye can see. As expected, it was the Mercedes duo of Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg, who blitzed the field in practice to finish more than two seconds ahead of Ferrari pair Seb Vettel and The Ice Man (not the murderer).

But it was bad news for our boy Dan Ricciardo, the Perth lad not even getting off the line in one session with a busted motor in his Red Bull machine. The team dropped in a new donk for the legend, but to no avail. He had to watch on as the rest of the field threw caution to the wind ahead of today’s qualifying.

Nonetheless, it was a rad day to be on track in perfect Melbourne weather and plenty to look at…

Our mission to find Melbourne’s most pretentious breakfast continues. Today it was waffles with malt milk ice cream and strawberry clouds – whatever the fuck they are. In fairness, it tastes pretty legit.

For those who couldn’t pull a sickie – a Red Bull Racing takeover of the train station.

With F1 practice and the V8s on show, the stands were jammed with punters – the hot air filled with rank beer breath, chorizio burps and tension.

Stupid glorious planes interrupted yet another D&M with one of the grid babes. Our search for love continued.

“Nah, this looks heaps more inconspicuous then one of them girlie selfie sticks. Jan’s kidding herself.”

Knew we should have worn ear phones…

Simulation stimulation. The closest thing to crashing a real F1 car.

The Segway Rally – a competition to see who could look the silliest. Everyone who participated won.

Smell that? Two stroke… oil that these babes were peddling. We don’t even have cars but left with three bottles of Shell or Penzoil or Rice Bran or whatever it was.

Our parents warned this day would come. When TVs would grow legs and take over the world. So long as there’s Netflix….

A few babes on the look out for a sugar daddy. No better place.

We asked these conservatively-dressed promo babes the secret to their time travel and where the device was hidden. They didn’t take kindly…

We can respect that walk. He’s walking – hard.

Cornetto or Drumstick? Nine out of 10 fatties like us agree – it’s impossible to tell the difference.

These guys are damn good at throwing and catching things. But throw a folding chair at them and all of a sudden security is called.

VMX riders doing what they do best – flying high and making the rest of us feel inadequate.

teak sandwich anyone? You can put the glamour into Melbourne but you can’t take the stake sanga out of a hot arvo.

Farking noisy things. We get it. You can fly. We’ve seen Top Gun and absolutely no other movie about fighter jets since because no one cares anymore. And who’s paying for this!? But we’ll admit, it’s a guilty pleasure.