Father’s Day is nearly upon us and if you’re new to the game of buying presents for daddy (kinkiness not intended) then this ought to help you out.

I had my first Father’s Day as a dad last year, a few months after the life-changing, traumatic- beautiful event of my partner squeezing out our son. So, while I’m not the most experienced dad by any stretch, I am over one year into my parenthood jOuRnEy and am keenly interested in receiving gifts – those are my only qualifications for writing this article.

Parenting is no walk in the park. Nearly immediately after you get over the phase of constant panic that your child will die at your hands, you enter a phase where you’re so sleep deprived that you feel like you’re constantly coming down from a three-day bender. It’s tweaky. So a day partially devoted to you is a welcome perk.

If you’re one of those “it’s just another way for companies to make money off you… blah blah… capitalism… blah” people, you can leave now. I’ve been up since 3AM and have watched two-and-a-half hours of Ready, Steady, Wiggle already today so excuse me if I am in need of some new things to soothe the burn/amazing gift of parenthood.

Before we continue, you should remember that if you’re a dad and you’re dropping hints that you’re wanting any of the below to your partner, you will have to reciprocate when Mother’s Day rolls around. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, check out 10 Father’s Day presents for a new dad below. Giddyup.

1. Sleep

You remember sleep, right? For a fresh dad, sleep is more precious than gold, more enchanting than a Windows 95 screensaver, and slightly less exciting than Point Break. Plus it’s a cheap and easy present to give: simply remove child from house for period of time and let Dad count some sheep.

2. A cleaner

With a one-year-old constantly putting his dirt-covered hands on the walls, and dropping 50% of his food on the ground, my house has turned into a kind of liveable bin. When the weekend arrives, you just want to spend time with your kid, so household chores take a back seat. Hiring a cleaner is an easy way to remedy this without having to get your hands dirty. You can probably find someone on Airtasker that will do it for peanuts too. Hell, why not make it a regular thing? Dad (and mum) will be stoked.

3. A tattoo or something…

Our household budget has been completely blown out by my son’s endless appetite for blueberries (no joke, he eats hundreds of them each week), which means no wasting money on pointless things for myself on hold. I like tattoos, but I don’t need them, so receiving one/a voucher as a gift would be fucken choice. For the dad in your life, this could be any other kind of money trap that they’ve given up that falls into that “want” over “need” category.

5. Cake

We have cakes for birthdays and other celebrations, so I’m putting it in here, as everyone loves cake. Don’t bother baking it, just get some nasty-ass frozen Sara Lee dessert that claims to serve six and give the whole thing to Dad.

6. Stubby cooler

Last year my partner got me a stubby cooler with a picture of me and our son. It’s bloody cute. And it also combines both of my loves: wetsuit material and off-shore manufacturing. Just jokes, I obviously mean my son and beer. This arrived a few days after Father’s Day, so if you want to get one for Dad, make sure you order it soon. Where from, you ask? Just Google it, bish.

7. Caricature picture

You know those cartoon drawings where the subject is like driving a go kart or something? I’ve always wanted one of these. Don’t know why. They’re pretty dated and dorky, and not very fashionable these days, so it’d be more of an ironic gift that would undoubtedly end up in the pool room or man cave if I could ever afford a house big enough for either of those things. Still, one can dream…

8. Crocs

Hear me out. I used to look down on people who wore Crocs, and their outrageous flaunting of comfort. But recently I got a pair and must say they’re pretty handy when you’re chasing a kid around the house and need something comfortable to cradle your tootsies. Plus they’re easy on the back if you’ve been up all night trying to rock a crying baby back to sleep.

9. Big Lebowski robe

Keeping with the idea of achieving maximum comfort, a robe is a solid gift for any parent who is getting up a few times a night in the freezing cold. Granted, it’s not that special of a gift. So why not buy said robe, take it to an embroiderer and get Dad’s initials plastered on it, and wrap it up with a big bow. I dunno, that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

10. Coffee machine

If you’re a new parent and haven’t semi-jokingly referenced how much coffee you drink in the first five minutes of any conversation, are you really a new parent? LOLOLOLOL. Unlike that joke, which never falters, humans tend to fall apart a bit when running on little sleep, so save that trip to a cafe and hook Dad up with a Nespresso machine. Please.