While the first few days of the latest Gregorian calendar has consisted solely of premium couch potato behaviour and next level indulgence – thanks to Field Day, fresh juices and air-conditioning – there comes a time where we have to think further than the day ahead.
With an ever-growing interest in ~the future~ I’ve taken to Google to figure out what 2017 has cooking for mortals on Earth. Plot twist: as expected, pretty grim. Keywords and conspiracies that appeared more often than not were the success of Donald Trump, the collapse of Italy’s banking system and the most frightening prediction of all: a crippling cyber attack, penetrating the weak infrastructure of our digital security to rid of us of all that is important and lovely (our privacy?).
To cleanse myself of this news and to exercise the law of the attraction, I’ve compiled a list of my own predictions for the upcoming year. As I’m proficient in Real Talk, studied The Secret and actively follow plenty of astrology Twitter accounts, who better to deliver this news than me?
DEATH TO APATHY
Let it be known that 2016 was the year the world started to give a shit. Or perhaps maybe that’s just a reflection of the ‘woke’ echo chamber that is my Facebook friends list. This is a far cry from the classic ‘compassionate status for likes’ trope. Good ol’ humans became a touch more cluey about the morals surrounding carnivorism, fast fashion and cultural sensitivity. 2017 will be the year where ethics outweigh convenience, or perhaps just the rise of wholesome memes.
MIKE BAIRD REMAINS A TYRANT
I don’t know if you saw this one coming and I would hate to be the bearer of bad news, but alas, Mikey is on a roll. His late-December announcement of relaxed lockout laws (by a mere 30 minutes, mind you) was met with disappointment. Keep Sydney Open branded this as a ‘token relaxation’ made to coddle and sugar coat instead of amending the real issue.
Mike Baird has yet to respond to this and given the drama surrounding NYE’s unfair pay-to-play BYO restrictions, you could only imagine he’s dusted his hands on the issue.
P.S: Did you know that Baird was born on April Fools? There is no such thing as coincidence.
KIM KARDASHIAN RETURNS TO SOCIAL MEDIA
After a whirlwind 2016 which consisted of securing the title of the highest-paid reality TV personality, being robbed at gunpoint and undergoing extreme ridicule by mainstream media and the Internet alike, Kim Kardashian took a well-needed (note: extremely out of character) hiatus from all social activity. While the blessings of her rare cameos on her sibling’s Snapchats are much appreciated, many are beginning to wander if this marks the end of an era. If so, what does that mean for the Kardashian empire? Will Kylie reign supreme?
Edit: On January 3, 2017, exactly 3 months after her last post, Kim has returned to both Instagram and Twitter with a family picture of herself, Kanye, North and Saint. We’re off to a good start, team.
A RENEWED PERSONAL LEXICON
With every new year comes a barrage of lit AF terms that find themselves sprinkled into every form of communication, fam. From savage to hunty, thot to fleek, we’ve said them, rinsed them, gotten over them and ridiculed those who haven’t. While most argue that these words need to be left in 2016, what have we got left to replace them?
I’m predicting a pseudo-ironic surge in phrases predating the noughties, I.e. funky, floozy, booyah and word. Sounds nonsensical, but I literally spent a year of my life calling people I love hunty and binch so anything is possible.
NOSTALGIC POP-PUNK/EMO RESURGENCE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc6vs-l5dkc
The year is 2017, roughly a decade after the greatest era in music: pop punk. Call me a nostalgic mess, or a sentimental ass bitch, but tell me you don’t melt into a pool of happiness when you hear the first melodic strums of that pizzicato cello. I dare you.
In June of 2016, emo icons Panic! At The Disco sold out both their Sydney and Melbourne shows swiftly as expected, with the demand of this sonic genius causing a yet another show to be added to the lineup. If this isn’t indicative of the power of pop then you don’t know a thing about anything. I’ll meet you in the pit with my tartan leggings and three-day-old eye makeup. ~rAWR~
SEOUL IS THE NEW JAPAN (IS THE NEW BALI)
Once upon a time the height of a Aussie teen’s finesse was a off-peak season trip to Bali. Somewhere between flip phones and the iPhone 4, we all got the intrinsic memo that Japan was now the hot place to be. Swap out Bintang singlets and beers in Seminyak for Sake and onsens in Japan. While I’m not mad about it, travel purists of the timeline have been showing a mild disdain for the sudden popularity of the cherry blossom nation, pegging Korea as ‘Japan but cheaper’. Money talks. See you in Seoul.
