By Lillian FlexMami Ahen

The arrival of summer means the impending FB statuses about the sanctity of thongs (A.K.A as flip flops if you’re eight years old), the influx of flies and the much-discussed topic of preparing your vessel for festival season i.e. ‘Shredding For Stereo’.

While the news of Stereo’s 2016 hiatus is still a sore spot for many, the sentiment remains and pre-summer prep is as important as ever. With promoters promising a “bigger and better” festival for next year, it prompts me to think about alternate ways to glow up in its absence.

I’m sure you realise that this in fact is not an inopportune and ill-timed recount of the unsavoury news, but an analogy for being your best self 25/8, and appreciating that although Stereo is the brunt of a fair few jokes, it’s heaps symbolic of the rapid deterioration of a tonne socio-cultural hubs in Australia.

Now that we’ve exhausted our Stereo-roasts, we’re left with the blatant realisation that it’s too damn hot and we’ve got little to nothing left to do with our imminent spare time – now that we’re not rapidly shredding, that is.

The only thing more snooze-inducing than allotting a small portion of time in the calendar year to look after yourself is someone telling you how to do it – I get it. What’s less boring than not being prepared to glow up when then clock strikes summer, is a pseudo-satirical gift in this form of this article, written purely to bestow nuggets of truth unto you.

Somewhere between poking fun at festival culture and pre-ordering DJ Khaled first book The Keys, we’ve arrived at this place.

Gym, Tan and Laundry; Not Just For Jersey Shore Juice Heads

One might be argue that this ancient proverb was the bane of 2013. I can argue that underneath the layers of superficiality is a key lesson in ‘adulting’. Open your metaphorical drawer of yoga tights, scrape away the lint and wake up to the fact that going to the gym is not a task reserved solely for enthusiasts. It’s a hard, thankless, labour of love that I have dodged for more than two decades, but rest assured that I see the merit. It’s an extension of self-care in the form of 2kg dumbbells.

Tanning is deeply embedded in Aussie culture, you know, the Aussie way etc. You’re all grown enough to know to slip, slop, slap but a pro tips for the young players (as told to me by a Sunshine Coast local), flip over every 15 minutes to achieve an optimum shade of wholemeal. Laundry on the other hand – that’s a thesis in the making. Your clothes can’t be too clean, your laundry powder can’t be too expensive and there is nothing quite as humbling as a Sunday afternoon at the laundrette. All the real G’s know that a few tumbles in the washing machine leave those denim shorts with envious rips.

Wacky Tobacky? I Don’t Know Her

Frequent indulgers will tell you that a semi-regular tussle with the good stuff (*cough* Illicit substances) is a well-deserved treat, perfect for all summer-skewed activities. Conducive to a good time, the ultimate escape from reality and arguably a better time in groups. So I’ve heard.

Health enthusiasts and lovers of #motivation hashtag will tell you there’s no high comparable to a potassium rich lifestyle. It might be a bitter pill to swallow, but fruits are both delicious, nutritious and will keep you peaking as complete your third consecutive watch of Skrillex’s infamous Boiler Room Set.

Summer Love: If At First You Don’t Succeed, Dust Yourself And Try Again

Sometimes you’re simply looking for someone to hit you with that timely, concise, yet poetic ‘you up?’ text – other times you’re on the prowl for a strong able-bodied human to hoist you up on his or her broad neck ledges – both physically and mentally.

Someone who’ll let you set up shop on their shoulders, bearing the weight of last night’s Guzman and this morning’s neuroses. Someone who can navigate the natural current of the crowd, whilst tugging at your heart-strings like a skilled puppeteer. Someone who’ll drop their team to trek to the peak of the hill to spend some one-on-one time with you and 10,000 other couples watching the DJ close his set with Calvin Harris’ ‘Summer’.

Special points for those coordinated enough to gabber whilst vying your love.