Words by Christopher Kevin Au & FlexMami // Head image by Danielle Karlikoff

No amount of heartbreak in my life will compare to seeing Chingy live in concert twice, with both gigs failing to provide anything that resembled a merchandise table whatsoever.

What the fuck is the point of seeing Chingy if you can’t advertise the fact that you cried and got shirtless when he dropped ‘One Call Away’ as an encore? Merchandise, especially in hip-hop, is crucial because of the genres inextricable link to streetwear and sportswear. The likes of Kanye West & Rihanna have crafted exclusive merch lines and hosted pop-up stores to support The Life Of Pablo and ANTI respectively, while fake YMCMB snapbacks basically defined the ‘Paramatta Chic’ look at the turn of the decade.

Hip-hop merchandise in 2016 is sitting in a strange place. Rappers like Travis Scott seem to be taking more cues from heavy metal aesthetic and grunge appeal, and even Justin Bieber appropriated Metallica’s logo for his recent Purpose apparel. Other merch seems to be playing upon 90s and 2000s bootleg appeal, with stores like Coke Magic delivering iconic results that would be worthy of Paddy’s Markets. In light of all this, some hip-hop artists are still thinking outside of the box when it comes to their merch lines – so we got Sydney’s own style queen FlexMami to review some crucial items we found on the Internet.

FlexMami will be joining Joyride, Shantan Wantan Ichiban and GIRLS DJs at Player Hater’s Ball this Saturday, so we’ve limited the merch to artists that you’re likely to hear at the party when it takes over Plan B Small Club. This flyer for the show includes Joyride lying seductively inside a shell, so we’re convinced! See below for FlexMami’s critical analysis, with bonus exclusive commentary from 24 Karat Kev:

DJ KHALED ‘BLESS UP BATTERY PHONE CHARGER’
$50.00 RIGHT HERE

FlexMami: From one content creator to another, Khaled is hitting the spot with this ingenious piece of modern technology. He knows that they don’t want you to stay fully charged and connected AF, so he remedied that – kind of. Contrary to his new track featuring Drake – which I’ll play upwards of twice this Saturday at Player Haters Ball – this modern day miracle is not ‘For Free’ and will set you back 50 big ones. Before you act brand new like a pineapple ain’t nothing to part with, we haven’t even taken shipping into consideration. To make matters worse, the keeper of Major Keys is asking you to part with dollars and sense and won’t supply an iPhone cord or wall plug, so really this merch is useless. Bless up regardless, though.

24 Karat Kev: You should cop this to keep your battery levels high enough to Snapchat every damn event that occurs in your life, just like DJ Khaled! Multiple snaps of cocoa butter and your own personal chef are also encouraged. Who cares if this doesn’t come with an iPhone cord or wall plug, just steal one from someone at the local library or off one of your siblings, whichever is more convenient.

USHER ‘OMG RING’
$20.00 RIGHT HERE

FlexMami: There’s no denying that Usher is an R&B icon, and I’ve been known to cue up a hot track of his at every Player Hater’s I’ve played. His new track ‘No Limit’ feat. My Name Is Jeffery F.K.A Young Thug A.K.A. Thugger Thugger has me feenin’. Back to the point: I’m going to need you all to form an orderly line, tell your jeweler you leveled up and iced yourself up with wild AF ring. Once your audience realises that this is primo Usher merchandise and not from the sale bin at Jay Jay’s, they might not roast you as hard as you deserve. Maybe.

24 Karat Kev: OMG might be my favourite acronym of all time, sitting in a three-way tie with NRL and HSP. This two-finger piece of hand hardware has solidified my love for Usher’s R&B anthem, with apprentice-level craftsmanship and the foil-esque exterior really setting it off. OMG, indeed! Who needs a filthy wedding ring when you can wear one of these to profess your eternal love for Usher’s catalogue?

DRAKE ‘SUMMER SCRIPT TEE – BANANA’
$40.00 RIGHT HERE (CURRENTLY SOLD OUT)

FlexMami: I’ve never felt more disconnected from Drake than I do right now because this is a messy look right? It screams “Drops a stack on a custom graffiti tee at the Easter Show.” I’m not mad at the colour scheme though. Scenario: Your dream partner pulls up to Player Hater’s Ball this Saturday in this look – what would you do?

24 Karat Kev: Drake has been called soft by basically everyone in the rap game, and this banana yellow shirt is doing nothing to help his cause whatsoever. While bananas may be delicious in smoothie form and a wealthy source of potassium, I can’t say that it belongs on a t-shirt with fantasyland script in baby blue. Only the brave may tackle and conquer this look. This will set you back 40 bones, but I would rather just rather buy two OMG rings.

MARIAH CAREY ‘BUTTERFLY PJ SET’
$85.00 RIGHT HERE

FlexMami: I wonder what Mariah would figuratively and literally do if she knew that her name was attached to this merch? Initially my Twitter fingers planned to brand this as trash in 140 characters or less, but for $85 it’s technically premium merch, and red is a great colour so maybe it’s the biggest winner of them all.

24 Karat Kev: Mariah is a queen, a queen that deserves unbridled praise and marriage to a casino tycoon. Therefore, it’s only fitting that she has her own pyjama range that offers both style and functionality. A fleece sweater in a passionate red for the winters, and punk-inspired plaid flannel pants for when you really want to ignite things in the bedroom while listening to ‘Obsessed (Remix)’ featuring Gucci Mane.

NICKI MINAJ ‘STUPID HOE T-SHIRT’
$25.00 RIGHT HERE

FlexMami: My immediate thoughts were “Damn, who signed this off” – but let’s not act like this isn’t Nicki t-shirt isn’t classic Nicki. It’s practical, with concise messaging and a pop of colour perfect for SS17.

24 Karat Kev: This was a strange era in Nicki Minaj’s career. While she’s largely outgrown making EDM fistpump bangers, we’ll always have this shirt to remember the years that spawned classics like ‘Stupid Hoe’. With a hypercolour paint design splattered across the shirt with the energy and carelessness of a hyperactive three-year-old, this shirt sends a direct message to ‘the haters’ and will probably get you evicted from your local church service. Hoes, rakes, spades – fuck all gardening tools!