A satirical review series where we attempt to understand high fashion and other stuff we can’t afford.
I’ve had a hard time understanding high fashion, mainly because it’s way out of my budget and I would rather spend my money on My Kitchen Rules memorabilia.
Seeing solemn-faced white models walk down the runway in bizzare art-meets-farshun clusterfucks has never been my favourite pastime, but still, the presence of high-end on fashion generally has been impossible to ignore. In the past few years particularly, my perfect world where everybody wears full sweatsuits and Air Max 95s and listens to ‘Shot Caller‘ by French Montana on repeat has also been disrupted: We have Kim Jones & Ricardo Tisci collaborating on Nike footwear, while the three stripes have been given bleak and highly successful makeovers by Yohji Yamamoto in his Y3 line.
The likes of Kanye West have encouraged members of the mainstream to engage with more unorthodox and androgynous silhouettes, while fast fashion continues to churn out D-Grade luxury item copycats at a price that your average Joe Blow can afford on top of his monthly Ralph Magazine subscription. Ask any Yeezy Stan what their favourite brand is, and their answers are likely to include Raf Simons, Rick Owens and Givenchy since they learned how to pronounce it last week. The first of the three has just presented his SS17 collection in Milan, and Lord have mercy: If I didn’t understand high fashion before, then I’m in a world of absolute pain now.
Raf Simons is that guy who made some alien-ass shoes with Adidas, with a colour palette that could only be described as “Blind man doodles aimlessly on Microsoft Paint.” Still, I’ve got to say that his upcoming cream runners are absolute bangers, which is why I decided to stick my nose further into his SS17 collection. Filled with models that either look like serial killers or hungry children, the collection continues the gender-bending with mid-rifts, leather overalls and something that looks like an apron that my aunt wears while she’s making pho. While I’m all for gender neutrality in fashion, some of this stuff looks pretty uncomfortable and stiff – and speaking of stiff, there’s an erect dick on one of the garments. This is art, I think? I think this is art.
My favourite of the entire Raf Simons collection would have to be this oversize jumper that looks like a modified snuggie – it has a giant hole on the top in case you happen to be a human bobblehead, while the sleeves are so long that your arms don’t come out of the end unless you happen to be that Indian bloke Dhalsim off Street Fighter. Excessively long arm sleeves? According to ~influential tastemakers~ like Vetements, this is the new jam. This looks like a comfy joint that you could wear on a winter night while sipping minestrone and patting your imaginary cat in front of your heater that doesn’t work.
Another sure highlight is the laboratory coat for swaggy scientists who want impress all their colleagues while finding infallible cures for bird flu.
I might not understand Raf Simons, but I’m glad he exists – because diversity is the bloody spice of life, and it’s designers like him that eventually stretch the norm by prodding it with enough runway weirdness and stuff that defies logic and any sense of financial responsibility. If humans haven’t been mercilessly slaughtered by aliens and we happens to be alive in 2041, I’m sure we will be sitting our hovercars and thinking “Wow, Mr. Simons was really ahead of the curve. I really do enjoy snuggies and genitals on jumpers.” Do I really want to wear normal-fitting t-shirts for the entirety of my mundane existence on Planet Earth? Absolutely not! Give me more impractical garments and fuck with my brain, Raf. Raf Simons for President!
