By Andrew Levins. The Halfway Crooks Frank Ocean Release Party (Maybe) goes down at September 3 at Plan B Small Club, get your tickets here!
It’s the most talked about album of 2016 and it hasn’t even come out yet. In fact it was meant to come out over a year ago, but a constant stream of confusing delays have plagued Boys Don’t Cry, the sophomore album from singer Frank Ocean, who has provided very few excuses or apologies for an album that an extremely entitled majority of the internet believes they are owed a torrent to immediately.
We got ahold of some insider info and found out the real reasons why Frank Ocean’s album still isn’t out yet.
He’s addicted to Pokemon Go
Frank has been a vocal fan of the mobile app since its launch in July, sharing tips with young trainers on where to find Geodudes and Clefairies in the Long Beach area. A week after the game’s release, friends close to Frank grew concerned about his increasing obsession to “catch them all”, as Frank flew privately across the world in search of some of the rarer Pokemon. Upon learning that six of the 151 Pokemon aren’t actually available yet, Frank ceased all work on his album and wrote heated letters to Pokemon Go developers Niantic, demanding that they allow him to catch them all, or Boys Don’t Cry will never see the light of day.
He keeps accidentally remaking OK Computer
It’s surprisingly easy to do. Frank didn’t even consider himself that big of a Radiohead fan but time after time he’d hit the recording studio and, without realising, bang out a pitch perfect replica of Airbag, followed by Paranoid Android. The recording session would continue until halfway through No Surprises, when producer Malay Ho would realise Frank had covered the British band’s seminal third album. “The first few times it happened it was pretty funny” Ho told reporters in May, “but by the seventh time it was just infuriating – especially for Frank”.
He just picked up No Man’s Sky
In spite of the middling to negative reviews this new Playstation game has received, Frank picked up No Man’s Sky on a whim, and has spent every single moment since exploring the seemingly never ending limits of space, randomly generated in front of his very eyes. Sure, the reviews have criticised the game’s lack of depth and actual gameplay, but Frank doesn’t care – he’s content mining resources and naming planets after songs from his album that he’ll probably never release.
He finally caved and watched Stranger Things
“I don’t see the need for Netflix,” Frank Ocean proclaimed in a controversial interview at the start of 2014, “I mostly just watch shit on Youtube these days”. He stayed true to his statements for years, however the allure of the Netflix original series was inescapable in Frank’s social media channels over the last month, as his Facebook feed filled with people leaving tributes to Barb and others begging for the vinyl release of the soundtrack. It became too much, Frank had to see what all the fuss was about and he signed up for a free month of Netflix to watch Stranger Things. Allegedly he binged the entire series in just one night and there are rumours of up to six repeat viewings since. There is some hope that his TV bingeing days are over however – apparently just one episode of Baz Luhrmann’s new series The Get Down was enough for Frank to decide against renewing his Netflix membership.
Suicide Squad sucked
Frank is a huge DC Comics fan. He’d spent most of the past year making excuses for the lacklustre Man of Steel and Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice. “Don’t worry y’all, Suicide Squad’s gonna make everything ok” he’d exclaim. “Jared Leto’s take on The Joker is gonna be so fucking lit.” Unfortunately for Frank, Suicide Squad turned out to be an unforgivable dumpster fire of a movie and he’s been devastated ever since, turning out slow sad songs with titles like ‘Why Was Katana Even In This’ and ‘Will Smith Just Played Will Smith, I Mean Did He Even Read A Comic With Deadshot In It Before Filming This Fucking Movie Or What’.
The Olympics are on
I mean, have you been watching this year’s Olympics coverage? They have golf there now! Golf! Do you know how many days it takes to watch 120 people play 72 holes of golf? That’s an entire week gone – and golf is one of the 42 sports Frank has been enjoying at this year’s Olympics. You should’ve seen him try to understand rugby sevens!
He’s been thinking bout you
You know, like the song on his last album! Just kidding, he hasn’t been thinking about you at all – he doesn’t give one single shit! If he did we’d have this goddamn album already! What the fuck, Frank!
