With award-winning, critically-praised epics like Ninja Turtles, Godzilla, Expendables 3 and Sex Tape all blessing the theatres these past few months you’d be forgiven for thinking Hollywood couldn’t possibly offer up any more classics this year. What a year, right?

In case you can’t tell, we’re being sarcastic. And in case you can’t pinpoint that reference, attribute it to one Homer J. Simpson. In all honesty, if the snake oil salesmen at Event Cinemas weren’t hawking tickets at the kind of stitch-up prices that’d be considered auction-winning house values in Dubbo, we probably wouldn’t be complaining half as much at what CGI-laden blockbusters have been offered up this year in place of actual plot-driven film.

You don’t go TMJT or Planet of the Apes (admittedly this was pretty good) for a dramatic, emotionally-satisfying story. You throw down your hard-earned to be a kid again. And if it were the kids doing the film reviews they’d be saying right-the-fuck-on! How fucking funny is this Raphael dude and man, that pizza looks good. And, does liking Donatello the best, even though he wears the most feminine colour and is armed with what look like medieval jousting sticks training edition – make me gay? Like just a little? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But our money’s or D-Train being the most sexually adventurous of the four while it’s odds-on that Leonardo is the least – a neat freak who can’t to even see himself naked in the mirror.

Anywho, we’ve gotten off track. Yes, Sex Tape sucked despite an outstanding cast. There were more contrivances than an NRL-ASADA press conference. Yes, Event Cinemas are white-collar criminals and yes, if you saw all of the above movies for free you probably wouldn’t throw your Woolworths-bought, sneak-in Maltesers at the screen – those delicious little fuckers. It’s a crime to waste even one but when you throw one in protest, that’s a principled statement that says: “We’re not gonna take this shit. Fuck you and your uncomfortable chairs. I’ll put my feet where I goddam want to.”

Alas, all is not lost. Hit the boutique theatres in the next few weeks/months or search your providing streaming/download service for this slew of golden independent flicks we’re about to unload on you.
Just knowing the titles of these films will make you the kind of culture vulture all your friends and colleagues instantly despise (even more than said term) but can’t help but feel somewhat attracted to you in some way.

These are the films the people you detest the most will somehow stumble upon and rave about endlessly, for which you will refuse to watch out of spite because “that Wade dude is a kook!”. Substitute that name at your own discretion. So here’s your chance to beat the fuckwits, the know-it-alls, the suddenly gluten-intolerant, anyone who wears a beanie during the summer and or those despicable alleged humans who use hashtags like #bliss or #insertwhateverluxurybranimaxeddadscredittobuyhere.

The Skeleton Twins

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhULZJDXLaE

It’s a black comedy, but not in the racist way. Or the Tyler Perry, Kevin Hart way. Or for those of you born in the 1980s, not the Barber Shop Ice-Cube way, either. It’s got two of the funniest people alive in it – SNL alumn Kristen Wiig and the all-to-under-rated Bill Hader.

The One I Love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCOvhojlZzQ

It’s weird as shit but in a good way – like a sneaky pinky finger. Starring the king of out-there, Mark Duplass and Mad Men babe Elizabeth Moss, it’s a trippy adventure with a hidden message. Hint: It’s in the title. If you can get over the fact that Moss is a Scientologist and remember what it’s like to actually enjoy the company of your current, good-for-nothing partner, you’ll enjoy it. While you’re at it, Google anything that Mark or his brother Jay Duplass have written, directed or starred in and watch it immediately. You can thank us later – with tastefully clothed selfies.

The Two Faces of Januaury.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrRHmhIDfjg

Kirsten Dunst, Viggo Mortensen (you know, that guy who looks like that guy) and set in Europe during the 1960s. What else do we need to say? It’s a slow burner but with some epic fashion, cracking wit and beautiful cinematic work, it’s worth the journey if you’re trying to lock down some strange.

The Drop

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lCiDIcqMe0

This one’s for the boys and anyone who loves a good mob movie. Who can forget the acclaimed Dirty Work? Look it up and enjoy it. You’re welcome. The Drop is one of James Gandolfini’s last films and with Tom Hardy delves into the money laundering, organized crime underworld of New York bars. A real life account, some have been alleged to have said maybe, of Fat Tony. Also of Simpsons fame.

Are You Here?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMtNpu6xBvU

Zach Galifianakis and Owen Wilson. Another indie special, it’s no classic but definitely worth a watch and will conjure a few laughs. Two comic geniuses, a babe or two, and a dickload of rotten shellfish. Come to think of it, that sounds Christmas day with the cousins…

Birdman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJfLoE6hanc

Now, some to look out for the next few months: Birdman (Batman but funnier, more depressing, a heap more real and nothing like it), This is Where We Leave You (Tina Fey, based on the book), Love & Mercy (a look into the life of Beach Boys frontman, genius and recluse Brian Wilson) and St Vincent (Bill Murray’s first movie in years).

Boyhood

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys-mbHXyWX4

Oh, and if you haven’t seen Boyhood yet, give yourself full fat dairy cream with that latte this morning because it’s an instant classic. Though it did take 12 years to make…