Words by Harry Webber October 21, 2020

It’s time again for the segment that will make you hate capitalism more than you hate your broke-ass self.

“Money, money, money, all the things I could do if I had a little money,” sings Swedish pop group ABBA. It’s one of the most iconic lyrics of all time because it’s something that everyone can relate to; poor people want more money, rich people want more money, even Jeff Bezos wants more money. Unfortunately, we rarely get what we want – the world doesn’t work like that, it’s full of things we want but can’t have, much more like Sweden’s second-biggest export, IKEA.

So if you’re looking at any of the things below thinking they’d improve your life and that you simply must have them, just remember that some people in life are eating meatballs and other people are the meatballs. Anyhoo, here are some shiny products that you can’t afford…

A 3.PARADIS Dollar Bill Jacket – $5,635

Ok, picture walking in the supermarket with a mate/boyf/girlf/partner whilst you’re wearing this jacket, then picture them saying, “should we get this?” and holding up a packet of whatever, then picture yourself saying, “what am I? Made of money?”, then picture yourself pissing your pants with laughter.

I actually think this 3.PARADIS jacket which features a point collar, welt pockets, and snap-button fastening, would be worth it for the infinite lols. They’re also flogging a matching tote bag for $1,829 if you’re keen on completing the look – shop it here.

Gumshara Ramen – $400

What goes into a $400 ramen you ask? 15 kgs of lobster and pork bones for the broth, golden nori and a golden lobster head. It’s made by Sydney restaurant Gumshara, and to wrap your pov-as-fuck lips around it, you have to head over to XBOX’s Au/NZ Twitter and enter a competition which means it’s probably the thing on this list that you have the best chances of getting!

Porsche Panamera Turbo S-Hybrid (blah blah blah)

If you’re a mad-dog-mover-and-shaker-big-deal-maker-stock-selling-portfolio-expanding-suit-wearing-prostitute-banging kinda person, this may be of interest to you! It’s a car that goes from 0-100km in 0.1 seconds, which makes all those other Porsches that do it in 0.3 seconds feel like they’re real timewasters, and time is money, right?

Six Chicago Bulls championship rings – Est. $280K

These genuine rings belonged to long-time Bulls security guard John Capps, who you probably saw hanging out with Michael Jordan before and after games in The Last Dance. You can buy them individually, but why not spend big and get all six like a real boss? The auction finishes tomorrow, so head here to start bidding.

LG’s SIGNATURE OLED R Rollable TV – $123K

Imagine having a TV on wheels that you could move. Madness, right? Now imagine if you could make your TV screen disappear by pressing a button… That, in all honesty, seems to be the major takeaway from this new LG TV that costs more than a deposit on an apartment. Wait! I take that back, it also has a display setting that can share with you amazing details such as the time and weather. WHOAAAAAAAA it’s just like an iPhone 3 !!

If you’re the kind of person that gets sucked in by a quality promo video, however, turn and run away now, as this one is about as powerful as they come.