By Lillian FlexMami Ahen // Head image via Ramen Burger
The best thing about being a kinda-privileged millennial is formulating biased opinions on things I have zero expertise on in 3.2 seconds.
Picture this: 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon, I’ve developed the dreaded ‘itis and decided productivity is not an option for the foreseeable future. Mindless scrolling, upwards of 10 clicks and countless audible sighs later and there it is – The Hamdog! What can I say, I’m partial to clickbait. My initial response included, but wasn’t limited, to a groan, a frown and an incredulous look to my left and right. I repressed my initial reaction to enter the junk food void and exited with even less of an understanding for food hybrids.
One deliciously carbonated Sunkist soda and an average egg fried rice later, I’ve adjusted my metaphorical cravat (shouts to Matt Preston) and I’m ready to review the greatest atrocities of the internet. Due to the fact that I have the palate of a picky toddler and I haven’t tried any of these offerings, I’m in no way qualified to review any of this, but you know – see paragraph one. Hot content knows no bounds.
THE HAMDOG
The foremost offender; the hamburger-hotdog! The shock had initially rendered me speechless, unable to process any information, but also extremely quick to judge. Question; why would we ruin the sanctity of two (albeit questionably) delicious foods, and merge them into one? My main concern is the Frankfurt sausage sandwiched between a mystery meat patty. Imagine that first bite of both meats; both squidgy and slightly chewy to taste? Trash! Also, I’d love to be taken through the mechanics of eating the pointed bits. No sauce, no cheeses? My mouth is drying up thinking of it. On the flip side, I’m super excited by the plating! Eating a preservative-packed burger hybrid on polished silver is the epitome of new money and I’m subscribing to this service. Catch me at KFC George St* after the club requesting table service and Sunkist on ice. *Note: I would be at Hungry Jacks but alas, both George St franchises have closed. Let’s toast the Whoppers of cooked nights past. [Image via News.com.au]
EGG STUFFED MUFFINS
My heart hurts. I historically have huge issues with sweet foods being altered for savoury purposes, so generally this isn’t sitting well. See ham and cheese croissants, followed by carrot cake. Not today, friends. This is digesting as culinary blasphemy, but I don’t doubt there is a stoned uni student loving the idea of this. I’m partial to a crispy bacon bit, a well-boiled egg and A+ food photography. Plating is reminiscent of an average local Sydney café, which I’m okay with. [Image via RecipeTIn Eats]
RAMEN BURGERS
I absolutely love a bit of nonsensical food photography. Stacking five burgers on an outstretched palm? Genius. Colour psychology also says that red and yellow make you hungry. Will all the real content creators please stand up? I see you. I know the burger purists will roast me for loving my beef chargrilled and burnt to a crisp. No signs of life, ever. In addition to this confession, I’m anti-brioche bun so you already know an unconventional bun is definitely not to my tastes.
A juicy, likely medium beef patty swaddled between two salty ramen noodle “buns” which are boiled then fried. I think I’m having texture nightmares and my tastebuds are experiencing pre-PTSD. Do I see signs of cheese? I’m not sure if that’s a necessary addition to aid in reducing each mouthful into an acceptably sloppy bite, or the alternative, which is an unacceptably sloppy bite? [Image via The Meadows NYC]
HOT DOG ECLAIR
Damn. I feel like Ashton Kutcher is excitably racing through my home, ready to chest bump and fist pump me, asking me how I fell for this! Surely I don’t need to explain why chocolate, whipped cream and Frankfurts are questionable collaboration. It feels like the long awaited Kendrick and J Cole joint album that might never make it to press. It’s all a good idea until you realise that Cole’s sickly sweet poetry coupled with Kendrick’s freshly grilled bars were never made to work so closely together. [Image via Maple Lodge Farms]
CHOOCOLATE CHIP GRILLED CHEESE COOKIES
If you’ve disagreed with every review, that’s fine –but there is no way you can fight me on this one. Cheese and chocolate? Come on now! I’m even confused as to what the textures would be like. Is the cookie soft and warm? Has the cheese cooled? Has someone eaten and enjoyed this? The creative behind this concoction insists its delectable. “People keep suggesting that it would taste gross. Don’t knock it until you try it. It’s cookies and cheese – what could be bad? I would definitely make it again!” Enough of that, Stef. [Image via J Pollack]
After this culinary journey, I feel like my toddler palate has regressed to an infant palate. I’ve never felt more further from foodie culture than I do now. I would love a first hand recount from anyone who has tried any of the foods above, or something worse.
