That’s right Sunday is the day dedicated to mothers around the country. But let’s face it, this year is a little different. With COVID-19 getting round, many young Aussies have lost their jobs and many dollar shops are currently closed, which means we’re gonna have to change our usual approach for finding mum a “special” gift.
Fear not. Here’s a bunch of shit you can throw together on the cheap, making your mum the envy of all the other old ducks in the neighbourhood and making your siblings look like Hitler Youth by comparison. Trust me:
So we all know that plants are now the most popular thing in the world to anyone over 30, with people paying ridiculous amounts of money for succulents and ferns etc. Don’t even think about buying your mum that kind of boring crap.
What you want to do is go to Bunnings and buy a nice(ish) ceramic pot and some seeds for some sort of flowers (combined cost here is like $15), then fill it with dirt (this is available at Bunnings or any park). Finally, you wrap a bow around this and give it to your mum. Remember you’re not simply gifting dirt and seeds, you’re gifting a project which will keep your mum entertained throughout iso and remind her of you every time she goes to water it.
If your mum is anything like my mum, she isn’t super tech-savvy. She may even hold her phone with one hand and use a single finger to type out msgs which is the sure sign of her pre-1970s birthday and truly painful to watch. Anyway, helping her master some piece of “new” technology is not going to be the easiest task but it is both rewarding and cheap.
For instance, showing your mum how to use Zoom will be pretty handy for her right now and will also elevate your status as the “smart” sibling as being the cute one. If you get frustrated easily you may want to consider smoking a doob or meditating beforehand. Be patient.
A recent picture of her favourite child (assuming that is you) will knock your mum’s socks off (assuming she is wearing socks) this Mother’s Day. But what if all your pics of you are taken from nights out, showing you with half an eye open waiving a sack of goon? Here’s what you do:
– Dress up real fancy (borrow a skivvy off your housemate, smoke a pipe IDK)
– Make sure the backdrop is sophisticated. If you have some books or plants lying around chuck them in frame.
– Check the lighting is not all yellow and gross.
– Smile your best smile.
Once you have captured this moment on your phone head to Officeworks and get it blown up to five inches by seven inches and chuck it in one of the frames they have there. Now whenever your mum looks at the picture, she’ll always think of you as her most successful child, even if you’re eating cereal for dinner most of the week.
If your mum is the kinda mum that likes to stay up to date on what the “youth” are up to these days, this one may get you out of the hole. Basically, you write her a note telling her you had two tickets to see a really cool artist, but the thing is, they had to cancel their tour because of COVID. In the meantime, you make her a Spotify playlist with tunes from this artist, who could be anyone from Flume through to ONEFOUR (just make sure it’s someone you like as well, obvs).
Now you’ve bought yourself some time to save and actually purchase tickets for you and your mum when artists start touring again. On paper, what you are giving your mum is a Spotify playlist, but she’ll think of it as firm evidence that she’s still cool and will definitely be bragging about it to her mates. Priceless.
Food is always great. I eat it all the time and your mum probably does too. So why not make her something special, and by special I mean pretty standard with a few extra flexes. Lasagna is one of those things that pretty much everyone likes and this Jamie Oliver recipe is fucking delicious (who knew that you can use anything other than beef mince).
I know what you’re thinking: making the perfect lasagna, even with the recipe there, ain’t that easy. And you’re correct. But here’s what you won’t hear from Jamie’s moist lips – you gotta make it heaps. It’s Monday today, so why not practice making it every night leading up to Sunday lunch, that way when game day arrives, you’re ready to roll. Each time you trial one, share it with housemates/partners etc then slice it up and freeze it for another time.
Planning on visiting your mum on Sunday? Cancel it. Make up an excuse. Say you have a cold and don’t want to risk it or tell her you’re taking your dog to the vet. Anything. Of course, let her down gently then tell her you’ll be thinking of her. Then, when she least expects it, guess who drops in on Sunday…
Tell her that your symptoms cleared up or your dog ended up dying and there was only one place you’d wanna be on such a special day. As she hugs you with tears streaming down her face, she’ll know that all those difficult years of her life spent raising you, not to mention the hours of pain it took to bring you into the world, were worth it all along.