We’ve been loving what we’ve been seeing from comedian Will Gibb ever since Froomes put us onto him. Here he shares some tips to tackling lockdown 2.0:
So here we are, back again and ready to do just about nothing. When I saw that beautiful Gladys appear on my phone I knew it could mean only one thing, lockdown baby! And now you’re so bored you’ve found yourself actually READING! What the hell has the world come to? Now if you are one of those people that is struggling to get through this lockdown, angrily scrolling through your phone seeing legions of fuckheads and fuckwits strolling the beaches without masks thinking “what the fuck is wrong these people” then this is the article for you. I, William Gibb, plan to give you my inside tips on how to survive this third lockdown.
TIP 1A – Go outside without a mask and cough on small children and elderly people.
JK, obvs don’t do that.
TIP 1B – True-crime documentaries
I always found myself to be a huge film buff, I’d say in the last 365 days I’ve probably watched well over 300 movies. I am a film NERD. So when I tell you I’ve recently made a switch to documentaries, you best believe this is newsworthy. I for one find it hard to be scared by movies, it takes a lot to get me. But documentaries? I tremble like a baby. I couldn’t even get up off my couch after some of the things I watched. My top 3 recommendations are:
Sophie: A Murder In West Cork – This is just wild, beautiful Irish countryside juxtaposed with creepy Irish Folk Lore and a brutal murder. FOUND ON NETFLIX
The Imposter – This was a wild tale, so ridiculous that had it been a movie I would have lambasted it for being too unbelievable. To know these events were real is just crazy. APPLE TV
Tickled – This one is just fucked. STAN
Whatever your preference, find something that can spook or send your mind into meltdown so you can spend less time worrying about why Michelle and her mates went and got coffee in their black tight leggings and went to sit on the Bondi Mound instead of being locked away with their shitty crusty white dogs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-FoSNGGldg
TIP 2 – Zoom trivia
Ok, so this is something I scoffed at first. But there is an air of excitement seeing all of your friends behind a computer screen. That excitement is amplified further by the promise of trivial glory to be had. I recently set up a trivia night where we all dressed up, and I was the trivia master.
I chose to write questions about our friendship group. “Who fingered Jessica in the disabled toilets in year 9 Christian Union Camp?” “Who got a lower ATAR Josh or Luke?” Fun questions that spark reminiscent drinks and hopefully can spark arguments. My friend’s ex-girlfriend (who I despised and I’m so glad they broke up) SNAPPED at me one time when I asked the question “*Blank* has *Blank* in over 90% of her Instagram posts.” I then got barked back with “how’s it feel to be lonely?” Ouch. (For the record being lonely sucks, but not as much as she did.)
TIP 3 – Routine
This one is boring but I do find the more routine I set the more productive I can be. I have a show I am prepping and I find I get most of it done if I’ve set a schedule for the day. Whilst this is hard to do considering we can’t leave I like to make the schedule as fun as possible.
1pm- wake up.
1:30pm- work on my show
1:33pm- cry
2:45pm- sleep
5pm- wank
7pm- COD
Productive days like this really help me schedule my life and get the most out of a constricted day.
TIP 4 – BTS workout
We all know the Korean K-POP band BTS. What we may not know is that they have an exceptional workout routine. I found it on a fan page I definitely don’t follow to see Jungkook has a fantastic workout to get shredded. Below is his workout routine:
20 squats, 20 push-ups, 20 jump squats, 20 shoulder exercises, 10 plank shoulder blades, 20 mountain climbers, 15 burpee, 20 crunches, 20 leg raises and 20 superman exercises.
This may seem easy to some of you, but you’d be wrong. I got halfway through this exercise before I quit and never tried it again for a week. It’s brutal, it’s hard, it’s not fun. But god damn will it get me sexy like those lovely men.
TIP 5 – Bike ride or cold swim.
Now we are allowed to leave the house for exercise and I find my most COVID safe way to do so is to ride my bike. It has minimal interaction with people and I can cover more ground. I love to bike around the coast and enjoy the sites that Sydney has to offer. I love seeing the piece of shit parents with their piece of shit kids who aren’t taking lockdown seriously. It really brings a sweet sense of anger and love to my body.
You can rent a BEAM bike or a LIME bike from almost any street nowadays and I highly recommend it. It’s cheap, it’s fun and it’s super rewarding.
Much like a cold swim. I think cold ocean water is medicine from the heavens. I find my day isn’t quite made if I haven’t dipped into the ocean. It’s freezing cold waters fill me with a sense of excitement. And I feeling that I can take on the day. For those that don’t swim because it’s “too cold” I say you are weak and you’re avoiding the best part about ocean swims.
There you have it, my favourite ways to spend lockdown. I have no idea how long this will last. Maybe I’ll be writing another article next year when we enter our fourth lockdown. Who knows. I hope you all stay safe, wear a mask and listen to our laws so we can get out of this mess! Anyway, go back to sleep or masturbate!
