Aside from a metallic silver Wu-Tang Clan jersey or a Season 4 episode of The Simpsons, nothing sends me in a tear-inducing spiral of nostalgia quite like a good wrestling match. I flicked on the WWE the other day and Goldust was wrestling as the Tag Team Champion. What? That dude is still alive? Apparently so, and I’m very glad because he is very creepy and a massive weirdo in the best way possible. Anyway, seeing this match got me thinking about the good old days – when WWF wasn’t just a wildlife association saving cute pandas, when you used to gather all your mates and chip in for the $25 broadcast of Wrestlemania, when you went to Paddy’s Markets and begged Mum to buy you a replica heavyweight championship belt. This was the Golden Era, and we’re using this opportunity to explore the Top 10 wrestlers who ruled our childhood. Because let’s be honest, nothing quite beats chokeslamming some asshole into your mate’s backyard pool when you’re 10 years old. Or 23 years old.
Boom:
STEVE AUSTIN
An obvious pick to kick things off. If you ever liked wrestling, hearing the iconic glass shattering that signalled Stone Cold Steve Austin’s entrance to the ring was like Christmas every week, except way better and more violent. This dude was like the figurehead of obnoxious anti-authoritarianism, and probably the reason you flipped off your primary school teacher and bought a wallet chain. As much as his in-ring beatdowns, Stone Cold was also known for his gruff banter and ability to poor lots of beer over himself and hardly drink any at all. This man, with his preference for monster trucks and wearing vests with shiny skulls on them, was probably single-handedly responsible for the spread of redneck America. We’re not complaining, because what kind of sick bastard doesn’t love monster trucks?
SCOTT STEINER
Scott Steiner was like an unnaturally large human and also incredibly tough, which you can probably tell by his strong contrast colourway goatee. While many wrestlers wore towels on their head to soak up sweat and look mildly athletic, Scott Steiner wore a chain mail headpiece. Yes, a metal headpiece when he walked to the ring which was both impractical and completely unecessary. But guess what? It made him look hard as fuck and I’m going to buy one right now. On top of having biceps the size of beach balls, Steiner also wore sunnies that should only be in the wardrobes of low-end drug dealers. His finishing move was the ‘Steiner Recliner’, which sounds like a phenomenal massage chair until you see this dude and remember that he could cause your head to implode with one slight squeeze of his hand. He has also apparently hit people with his pickup truck in real life, so I’m going to stop talking shit now.
SCOTTY 2 HOTTY
Uh, sorry this article took so long, but I had to take a lengthy break to write a very concise and angry letter to the WWE questioning why in the absolute hell Scotty 2 Hotty hasn’t been inducted into the Hall of Fame yet. Scotty 2 Hotty was the best dude going around because he performed dance moves which normal people would only engage in while under the influence of 13 bourbons at a backpacker’s bar. He even managed to incorporate one such routine into an offensive move, the infamous ‘Worm’. He most notably teamed up with a fellow lord named Grandmaster Sexay and Rikishi, an overweight Polynesian who suffocated opponents with his ass. The holy trinity of wrestlers if you ask me. He is now apparently training to be a firefighter, and yes, I’m convinced that Scotty 2 Hotty is the best person to ever be born in the history of mankind. Speaking of mankind…
MANKIND
Many wrestlers are praised for their incredible physique and extraordinary athletic abilities. On the other hand, Mankind was praised for stuffing an old sock into people’s mouths and wearing a mask that looked like a severely botched Halloween costume. Mankind looked like he lived on a diet of microwave pizzas that he found in a bin, and he probably brushed his teeth with a tree branch drenched in Mountain Dew. Dude looked mad unhygienic and unfit but somehow managed to keep up with the best in the business, probably by ingesting a lethal cocktail of Red Bull and bashing his head against a wall before each match. Notably, he got thrown off a cage by The Undertaker and it blew my mind like seven times over when it happened. I don’t know if that’s something that Mankind can be proud of, but personally I would love to be known as “that dude who got thrown off a cage by The Undertaker”.
TRISH STRATUS
Wanted to marry her in Year 6, want to marry her now.
TRIPLE H
Here’s just two reasons that Triple H was an ultimate lord: 1) Motorhead sang his entrance music 2) He hides a sledgehammer under the ring to belt people. How awesome is that? Tip-top human in my books. Yes, Triple H is still around, but he’s since cut his hair and I’m thinking his luscious locks might have had some Samson-esque powers, since he’s currently a very lame & tame version of his previous self. His entrance was also 11 shades of badass – he climbed onto the ring apron and spat the water into a phenomenal spray above his head while flexing shirtless. If you try and claim that you never re-enacted this in the shower at least once, you’re a filthy liar. Also, remember that this dude is married to Stephanie McMahon who is a massive babe and has lots of money.
RAVEN
Raven was the biggest weirdo ever. Like Mankind, he also looked extremely unhygienic but always dressed like he was about to go watch Pearl Jam or something. Raven looked like the type of person who lived under a bridge and set things on fire in his spare time. He was consistently reflecting on life in the most refreshingly pensive manner, and recited poetry by Edgar Allen Poe. Who said wrestling wasn’t educational? Of course, this was before he belted people with a piece of plywood wrapped in barbed wire and/or a trash can. He held the WWF Hardcore Championship 27 times, and if anyone remembers this belt, they will identify it as the most glorious piece of shit ever. It was basically a piece of leather and metal held together with masking tape and it probably smelled bad too.
THE ROCK
You know you’ve made it when someone makes a compilation of your ‘Greatest Moments’ and it goes for 82 minutes.
KEN SHAMROCK
When Ken Shamrock files his tax papers, I hope he writes ‘BAD CUNT’ in red marker where it asks him to list his occupation. Yeah okay, this dude fake bashed people for a living in the WWF, but he also real bashed a lot of people as one of the most influential Mixed Martial Artists of all time. Ken Shamrock has a really mean face. Like if you brushed past him in the queue at McDonalds, he would probably belly-to-belly suplex you onto the counter and force feed you a Fillet O Fish while yelling incoherently. But I am sure he is nice. While his stint in the WWF wasn’t as successful as many would have hoped, he went on to bash lots of people in various other rings/octagons around the world, so it’s okay. Plus, he is now a bodyguard for 50 Cent – you just can’t make this stuff up.
THE UNDERTAKER
The Undertaker may have been partly responsible for my goth phase from 2003-2007 because this dude was all about being morbid, never smiling and burying people in graveyards. The Undertaker had the most lengthy and dramatic entrance ever, where he walked out with this super-gloomy music and a bunch of mysterious guys in hoods who were probably stolen from a Lord of the Rings set. The Undertaker also pulled this gruesome face and rolled his eyes into the back of his head which was scary as fuck, and since he has been wrestling for 30 years, I’m scared that one day his pupils will get stuck back there. One time he also crucified Stone Cold Steve Austin, which I don’t have to explain the awesomeness of. The Undertaker also had this phase as a biker, where he rode to the ring while Limp Bizkit’s ‘Rollin’ played as his entrance music. Yes, it was as confusing and stupid as it sounds.
