Our American writer Gabriel Spadaccini is in Australia for a little while – here he tells us about his favourite foods that will make you feel like a fat sack of shit. America, fuck yeah!

It’s no secret that in the United States most foods are bigger, badder, and will directly lead to A) diabetes, B) heart attacks, or C) both. Is it worth it? Most of us haven’t lived long enough to find out. However, there are a few delicacies (read: sometime stoner foods) that are just too amazing to pass up if you ever find yourself Stateside.

Coming on the heels of the grand opening of Sydney’s first dedicated stoner food restaurant/café in Newtown last week, we’ve decided to provide a quick glance at some of the best America has to offer in that department. Scroll down to check out just a few (of many) things Australians are missing out on.

Scotcheroos

Originally published as a recipe on the box of Rice Krispies (the American version of Rice Bubbles) in 1965, scotcheroos are made with only five ingredients. This no-bake dessert is a cup of sugar, a cup of corn syrup, a cup of peanut butter, six cups of Rice Bubbles/Rice Krispies cereal, and a bag of semi-sweet melting chocolate chips. Simple enough for a final product that packs a mammoth punch, just the right amount of crispy and chewy with a cold layer of chocolate overtop.

S’mores

S’mores are a staple at every United States bonfire. Whether you’re out on the beach under the Fourth of July fireworks display or out in the mountains praying there are no grizzly bears around, chances are S’mores will be made at some point. As with the best things in life, the ingredients are simple: all you need are graham crackers for either side of the sandwich, Hershey’s chocolate bars, and a big ol’ bag of marshmallows. The tricky part is roasting the marshmallow correctly, choosing an optimal distance from the fire and then carefully perfecting a golden brown around the edges. Once people catch sight of your technique they’ll inevitably start asking you to toast their marshmallows, and then, if only for a few moments, you start to feel like some kind of culinary master.

Pasta Pizza

No doubt the creators of the original Italian tomato pie in Naples would be rolling in their graves if they ever so much as laid eyes on this purely American invention. Only in the United States would we think to so completely overhaul the perfect simplicity of the classic tomato pie, but here we are. No, this is not pasta and pizza separately. This is not an exercise in moderation. This is big, thick, doughy-crusted American pizza with penne pasta, vodka cream sauce (yes it has vodka in it and no you can’t get drunk off it) and mozzarella slathered all over it. It is glorious.

Slutty Brownies

Slutty in that they’re ludicrously bad for you. Building from the bottom up, there’s a layer of cookie dough, a layer of (preferably Double Stuf) Oreos, and a layer of brownie batter. While the baking directions are simple, making and eating these often turns into a full-day event. In the company of friends, they also tend to disappear from the pan stupidly fast.

Funnel Cake Fries

Funnel cakes are a quintessential American carnival food, lovingly fried and topped with heaps of powdered sugar in tents right beside towering Ferris wheels and kissing booths (if they still existed). Fortunately for us, some establishments on the East Coast (read: New Jersey) have decided to make their own variety, de-tangling the mass of fried dough into a more manageable French fry length. Good luck trying to accomplish anything meaningful after eating a basket of these bad boys. They’re the food currently known to induce food coma the fastest. Absolutely deadly.