Your little swimmers could be worth more than you thought…

In news that has finally given value to everyone’s favourite lockdown pastime, the Human Sperm Bank of Shanghai has today launched a nation-wide sperm donor competition. The 45 day event (if you can last that long), is calling on all Chinese college students to drop their dacks in search of the countries’ most eligible semen.  

The summer contest is an effort to recruit new donors and add to the bank’s dwindling spunk supply. Those with the highest-quality swimmers, judged on sperm count and motility, can be rewarded with the ultimate money shot; a $1,500 subsidy. But don’t all reach for the tissues just yet, the eligibility criteria calls only on those donors with superior samples, the cream of the crop as it were. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Snq4MuAFX1Y

For those of us not in the business of counting (that seems messy), Chinese donors must have a sperm concentration greater than 60 million per millimetre of semen to be considered, but the leaderboard has already racked up a few high-point scorers. In June, one tug-of-war winner took home the prize with a motility volume twice as high as the average wanker. That’s nothing to scoff at.

The competition will wrap-up in early September, with the tireless efforts of donors helping to improve China’s male fertility and reduce stigma. So to all the Shanghai men who booked a date with Pamela Handerson, your country thanks you.