New Study Has Found That Over Half Of America’s Beaches Have A Dangerous Amount Of Poo In Them
Ah shit (no pun intended).
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Words by Amar Gera July 12, 2023

*Removes “Visit Venice Beach” from bucket list*…

In yet another study which has shit all over the country of America, researchers from the Environment America Research and Policy Center have discovered that thousands of beaches across the US pose serious safety risks. The reason? Extremely high levels of fecal contamination (did NOT have that on my bingo card for 2023).

According to the study, over half of the nation’s beaches have been contaminated with sewage and feces traces. So, every time you step foot on an American beach and into its watery depths, you’re basically playing a faecal version of Russian roulette, which, call me crazy, might be an even worse iteration of the game than the OG version (you know, the one with literal GUNS).

And I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve only gone to the nicer beaches” or “All beaches have some level of poo in them”, well, sorry to burst your bubble, but the fecal contamination gripping America’s beaches actually exceed the EPA’s Beach Action Value, so however way you spin it, it’s an awfully crappy situation (pun was very much intended there).

If you’re on your way to the world capital and are in need of a guide to help you avoid said beaches, we’ve got you covered. Or more specifically, the EPA does, with the government body concluding that the South and Gulf Coast are home to the country’s most contaminated beaches, with the West Coast and Great Lakes ranking as America’s second and third most-polluted waters. In terms of states, its none other than stoner/hillbilly favourite, Oregon, which saw six locations hitting unsafe levels of contamination 75 percent of the time during the EPA tests.

So, best be careful if you’re planning on heading to the States any time soon. And if you need further evidence that Australia’s beaches are indeed the best on the planet, well, look no further:

 

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