Bringing dick measuring into the 21st century…

Perhaps no one is having a shittier Monday than a UK-based teenager, who’s just been released from hospital after shoving a USB cable up his urethra. Taking the phrase ‘dicking around’ to an unnecessary level, the 15 year-old was reportedly trying to measure his member (because rulers are so 2020), when a bout of “sexual curiosity” took ahold of his hands- and then to a greater degree- his entire genitals. 

While dick measuring is par for the pre-pubescent course (take it from me mate, it’s only up from here), the teen ran into trouble when the cable became internally knotted in his scrotum, with the port later protruding from the end of his urethra (for easier plug-in compatibility, I guess?).

The Urology Case Reports are enough to make your own penis retract a few inches in vicarious squeam, which is probably why the unnamed Londoner requested his mother leave the room after his admission to University College Hospital. After making an incision in his nether parts, doctors were able to safely eject the USB (that’s a pre-iCloud reference), and the teen is being monitored for any long-term damage. 

This presents somewhat of a happy ending, and even though we’re not sure he’ll anatomically enjoy one of those for a while, we’re still left with a few budding questions. Did he end up retrieving any files? Will all future hard-ons be called ejections? Or will he be left with a lingering floppy disc?